You can't just decide that I'm drunk.

Aaron, take the next flight out and come see me.

We can lay in bed and watch Arrested Development all day...which is similar to what I did today.

Moral of the story, I fucking miss you.

Fuck

Ok, so, since I last wrote in here, I have gained a year of life, got a tattoo, and become just slightly more jaded (therefore, more emo!). I also have gotten way too drunk in front of my parents and embarrassed myself silly...but that's a story for another time.

So after having, probably the most terrifying experience in my entire life, I realized that I'm fucking up wayyy too much. However, I don't seem to be willing to change anything as of yet. I'm having fun and I know that sobriety brings me down a bit (which is scary...sorry future boyfriends!). I don't like always saying or doing things before thinking, but I do them, unknowingly for the most part. It makes me feel like alcohol is turning me into a booze robot (Danger, Will Robinson!). When fed copious amounts of booze, I feel challenged to drink more. But before you all play the "ALCOHOLIC" card, I don't drink alone and rarely drink more than 2 times a week. I'm a binge drinker, I know this.

I'm just at a point in life where I can continue playing the hand I'm dealt with, or I can deal myself a new one. But you always get caught cheating.

Edmonton sure isn't seeming so far away anymore...

To my cokehead ex.

Hate (I Really Don't Like You) - Plain White T's

Love love love love love love

You were everything I wanted
You were everything a girl could be
Then you left me brokenhearted
Now you don't mean a thing to me

All I wanted was your
Love love love love love love

Hate is a strong word
But I really, really, really don't like you
Now that it's over
I don't even know what I liked about you
Brought you around and you just brought me down
Hate is a strong word
But I really, really, really don't like you
I really don't like you

Thought that everything was perfect (perfect)
Isn't that how it's supposed to be?
Thought you thought that I was worth it
Now I think a little differently

All I wanted was your
Love love love love love love

Hate is a strong word
But I really, really, really don't like you (I really don't like you)
Now that it's over
I don't even know what I liked about you (liked about you)
Brought you around and you just brought me down
Hate is a strong word
But I really, really, really don't like you

Now that it's over you can't hurt me
Now that it's over you can't bring me down

Oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh

All I wanted was your
Love love love love love love

(Hate) Hate is a strong word
But I really, really, really don't like you (I really don't like you)
Now that it's over
I don't even know what I liked about you (liked about you)
Brought you around and you just brought me down
(Hate) Hate is a strong word
But I really, really, really don't like you
(Oh oh oh oh oh oh)
I really don't like you
(Oh oh oh oh oh oh)
I really don't like you
(Oh oh oh oh oh oh)
I really don't like you
(Oh oh oh oh oh oh)



HAPPY ONE YEAR BEING BROKEN UP YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE.

I miss you...

Hey There Delilah-Plain White T's

Hey there Delilah
What's it like in New York City?
I'm a thousand miles away
But girl tonight you look so pretty
Yes you do
Times Square can't shine as bright as you
I swear it's true

Hey there Delilah
Don't you worry about the distance
I'm right there if you get lonely
Give this song another listen
Close your eyes
Listen to my voice it's my disguise
I'm by your side

Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
What you do to me

Hey there Delilah
I know times are getting hard
But just believe me girl
Someday I'll pay the bills with this guitar
We'll have it good
We'll have the life we knew we would
My word is good

Hey there Delilah
I've got so much left to say
If every simple song I wrote to you
Would take your breath away
I'd write it all
Even more in love with me you'd fall
We'd have it all

Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me

A thousand miles seems pretty far
But they've got planes and trains and cars
I'd walk to you if I had no other way
Our friends would all make fun of us
and we'll just laugh along because we know
That none of them have felt this way
Delilah I can promise you
That by the time we get through
The world will never ever be the same
And you're to blame

Hey there Delilah
You be good and don't you miss me
Two more years and you'll be done with school
And I'll be making history like I do
You'll know it's all because of you
We can do whatever we want to
Hey there Delilah here's to you
This ones for you

Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
What you do to me.




I miss home. Talking to Jenn today made me miss everyone. Homesick.
I miss my Justin. I miss the overpass. I miss shopping on Whyte Ave. I miss Shawn and Adam. I miss my house and the playground. I miss my kitties.
I miss the stability of my boy...not the crap I'm going through right now with shitty boys.

Remembering things with Jenn made me miss her and our friendship so much. I miss how close we were. I miss seeing her everyday. She's the first person I've ever had that much trust in...I can tell her anything and she still accepts more.
Don't get me wrong, I have 2 AMAZING best friends out here that would go to the end of the world for me and I adore them both so much for it...I just miss home.

Maybe writing will help me get out of this terrible mood...

I need to tell him.

Gets me EVERYTIME.

The neighbours have complained damn near every night

Being sick is soooooooo lame. Especially seeing as I'm finally getting better...just when I start to get better, I get drunk and smash my head on a table. Not a normal kind of "bonk", but a full on SMASH. People on the other side of the room heard the sound...it actually kinda of pushed me backwards. So I have a minor concussion...and fighting a cold.
Also, if you don't like the way I live my life, go away. You know who you are.

The job interview on Tuesday went sooooooo good. I'm pretty amped on it. I find out if I get it tomorrow, so fingers crossed! I miss working!
In other AMAZING news...GOING TO QUEENS OF THE STONE AGE!!!!! Should be such an awesome time. I'm so stoked!

Really that's it. I leave you with the BRAND NEW The Academy Is... video for "Neighbours"...it's so amazing and makes me smile like a little school girl.

Always Love
Shayna

Dilemma?

What to do? I want to be upfront about it, but I can't seem to bring myself to actually do it. I think we both get nervous and don't want to say what we want to say...so we stay quiet.

In the roar of the crowd, we stay silent.

RETREAT, RETREAT!!!

Ok, so after doing some spring cleaning on the old blog, I'm finally satisfied! Got rid of everything I didn't want anymore...everything during my "icky time", as Jenn calls it. I'm pretty stoked that for the most part I came out unscathed. No more hurt, back to my old happy self. I learned my lesson!
So the boys were in town last night, which ALWAYS spells trouble. I got kidnapped and forced to drink a large amount of tequila...ok, I wasn't really "forced" per say...more like Tim hinted at drinking tequila and I agreed strongly.
Needless to say, it was a fun night. Tim started singing Hilary Duff and I punched him in the sack...FUNNY! The night essentially ended with me in bed with Tim and Scotty...nothing dirty...Scouts honor ;).
Worked on some lyrics. I've got to be honest though, everything is a little more angry than I had originally figured they would be, but I guess when you've been as fucked up as me, you don't really have much more of an option. Things aren't always going to be rainbows and butterflies.
I'm happy to be back to where I should be. I mean, I'm 19 years old. Life is all about fun, being with your friends, and not being tied down to anything. Which is EXACTLY what I intend on doing right now!

On a totally unrelated note, seriously, if you aren't going to make the effort to see/talk to me, fuck you. I was really underwhelmed with a lot of people when I got my surgery done 2 weeks ago. Not a phone call, text message, nothing. It really sucks, honestly. People that I barely knew were calling me to see how I was doing. I'm just over it, honestly. I've got my few handfulls of AMAZING people in my life, I don't need anyone bringing me down for no obvious reason.
ANYWAYS, off to see a boy about breaking a 7 month issue.
Always love!
Shayna

So I have this habit of getting drunk...

I shake my head at my actions last night.
Besides singing seriously for once. I'm proud of that.
I will NEVER consume as much booze in my life, ever again.

Note to self: stop telling people about "talents"...it just makes them want demonstrations.

Frick.

Alright, so I've been doing a pretty fair amount of writing as of lately. That's going amazing. Finally opening up and reading my lyrics to those closest to me is scary, but I've been doing it. I still have a ways to go and tons more things to write about, but I'll get to where I need to be soon.
Surgery is finally happening on Tuesday. It's really terrifying. I know that everyone is telling me that it'll be alright, and I know that they believe that...however, they aren't the ones that are getting it done. It's scary. Instead of being told "the doctor's know what they're doing", it would be nice to hear "I know, it's scary, but I know you'll be alright".
The past few days have been super weird. Just getting a weird vibe from everyone. It seems like because the sun went away, people got angry and bitter.
But on the other hand, I've been doubting myself a lot and in a weird mood, so it very well could just be me. I've been doubting things with boys, things with family, things with who I see in the mirror.
I feel like I'm not up to par with everyone else. Like I'm not on the same level (whether it be higher or lower, still haven't made up my mind). I feel like Nanaimo has somehow corrupted my confidence. I have never questioned myself with people and I find that I am.
I just see myself changing, becoming who I want to be. It's really nerve wracking. Taking those steps out of your secure cocoon...it's overwhelming.
Putting yourself out there for someone you barely know, that's terrifying...

But life is about risks, no?

Classifieds- The Academy Is... (shocked?)

My life reads like the classifieds.
Pages of what's for sale; what's on the auction block.
Attention bidders! It's Lot 45.
He's got a decent voice, he's got that crooked smile.
Hold on, you haven't heard the best yet.
He writes good storylines, he's got those honest eyes.
So take him home for just $9.95.
He'll sing the songs you like, he'll keep you warm at night.

Back down, cash out, that's the city for ya.
Break down and back out, and get what's coming to you.
When you said you were falling apart
I thought you meant that you were falling apart.

I'm not the type to forget about nights like this,
when every single move that I make is documented and scored for style points.
The once ambitious one now holds the smoking gun.
And if I die in my sleep, are you still willing to be everything you promised you would be?

Back down, cash out, that's the city for ya.
Break down and back out, and get what's coming to you.
When you said you were falling apart
I thought you meant that you were falling apart.

Will you be the first one to tell the neighborhood paper
and all my family and friends that still care?
Did you buy what I sold and did you feel what I told you?
I hope that you still do.
Will you promise yourself, that this isn't all we've got?

Back down, cash out, that's the city for ya.
Break down and back out, and get what's coming to you.
When you said you were falling apart
I thought you meant that you were falling apart





So while listening to this song tonight, I started crying. A lot. It reminds me of Justin and my relationship. Plus William Beckett's voice is just too beautiful.

<3

Won't Go Home Without You- Maroon 5

I asked her to stay
But she wouldn't listen
She left before I had the chance to say
Words that would mend
Things that were broken
But now it's far too late, she's gone away

Every night you cry yourself to sleep
Thinking why does this happen to me?
Why does every moment have to be so hard?
Hard to believe that,

It's not over tonight
Just give me one more chance to make it right
I may not make it through the night
I won't go home without you

The taste of her breath, I'll never get over
The noises that she made kept me awake
The weight of the things that remain unspoken
Built up so much it crushed us everyday

Every night you cry yourself to sleep
Thinking why does this happen to me?
Why does every moment have to be so hard?
Hard to believe that,

It's not over tonight
Just give me one more chance to make it right
I may not make it through the night
I won't go home without you

It's not over tonight
Just give me one more chance to make it right
I may not make it through the night
I won't go home without you

Of all the things I've felt but never really showed
Perhaps the worst is that I ever let you go
I should not have ever let you go...

It's not over tonight
Just give me one more chance to make it right
I may not make it through the night
I won't go home without you

It's not over tonight
Just give me one more chance to make it right
I may not make it through the night
I won't go home without you
I won't go home without you
I won't go home without you
I won't go home without you


I love this song. I really do. It's obvious to those who know me well enough why.
That is all.
<3

This makes me laugh so hard, I cry

I got you chicken caboodles!

So, apparently, I didn't know that Tony Lovato was arrested (and released, thank god!!) for murder in March. I found that out from Jenn tonight. The conversation went a little like this:
Jenn: That's almost as sad as when sexy Tony got arrested for murder
me: what the fuck did you just say?!
Jenn: Umm, oh, you didn't know?! I figured out of everyone in the ENTIRE world, you would have known.
me: it's not like I know him personally, Jennifer. Wait, is he still in jail or what?
Jenn: oh I dunno.
me: you are useless.

I then wikipedia'd it. He got released...so I'm listening to Mest in honor of him...not that the whole situation deserves to be honored...but whatever.

So I got a little out of hand last night. Slapped some guy across the face for calling me firecrotch. Ok, here's the deal, yes, I'm a natural red head. No, that doesn't give you the right to call me a firecrotch, no matter how true that is or not. It's rude and I hate that term. It's pretty offensive. So I'm glad I slapped that guy. Don't piss off drunk Shayna!!

However, I bet I made for quite the show while doing an impromptu karaoke on the dance floor of the Queens...to my chemical romance. LOL! I still just always think of the action figures at Spencers and how they didn't sell. That was fun.

In other news, me and James are desturbed. Seriously, random conversations about death get creepy. It's nice to know that I'm not the only one that watches too much CSI though!

That's about all I have the patience for right now. Must go listen to TAI.

Goodnight kiddos!
Shayna

SUMMERTIME!!!

THINGS TO DO THIS SUMMER:

-Road Trip with Amanda when she gets her new car
-get to know a certain someone a little bit more <3
-beat James at more coin flips
-Warped(?)
-get a tan
-go to the river
-TURN 20!!!
-Party painfully hard to make up for lost time
-more knee surgery (ick)
-go to Edmonton to see Jenn and Justin and my sister
-Work and save a butt load of money
-drink absynth...just once
-hang out with Nathan...because I miss him sooooo badly
-Caitlyn and Carlye both turn 18!!!
-Spend lots of time with Caitlyn because she's leaving
-same with Melissa.
-Attempt camping again...not at Rathtrevor though.
-Enjoy time with my family and friends

It's looking like it could be the makings of one hell of a summer!

Red Headed Slut doesn't equal Shayna

Just needed to get that all cleared up.
Had a few good nights.
Stoked about things that may be starting.
Not stoked about my current headache.
Things are looking up.
Finding out who I really am and what I believe in.
The clouds are clearing.
Always Love,
Shayna

For Justin.

This is the hardest blog I've ever had to write. Just thinking about Justin being alone rips out my heart. I love him so much, in so many different ways. You can't go through everything that we have been through and not come out loving someone. It kills me that he is so sad that he had to go back to the way things were a few years ago.
With that being said, I'll do anything for you, kid. I love you to the moon and back down to the dirt. I love our 3am phone calls (4 in the morning for you just because you thought of that silly Gwen Stefani song!). I miss everything about you. I love you so much, and it makes it hard to give my heart to someone else, but we both know what will happen if we got back together...World War 3, that's what.
So on that note, I'm leaving you all with some lyrics.

Everything We Had by The Academy Is...

You were the only face I'd ever known.
I was the light from the lamp on the floor,
and only as bright as you wanted me to be.
But I am no gentleman, I can be a prick,
and I do regret more than I admit.
You have been followed back to the same place
I sat with you drink for drink.
Take the pain out of love, and then love won't exist.

Everything we had, everything we had,
everything we had, everything we had
Is no longer there.

It was the only place I'd ever known.
Turned off the light on my way out the door.
I will be watching wherever you go,
through the eyes of a fly on the wall.
You have been followed back to the same place
I sat with you drink for drink.
Take the pain out of love and then love won't exist.

Everything we had, everything we had,
everything we had, everything we had
Is no longer there, longer there.

Well, you saw for yourself, the way it played out.
For you, I am blinded.
For you, I am blinded, for you.

I am no gentleman, I can be a prick.
And I do regret more than I admit.
You have been followed back to the same place
I sat with you drink for drink.
Take the pain out of love, and then love won't exist.

Everything we had, everything we had,
(you have been followed, you have been followed.)
everything we had, everything we had.
(you have been followed, you have been followed.)
Everything we had, everything we had,
(you have been followed, you have been followed.)
everything we had...

I'll be with you wherever you go,
through the eyes of a fly on the wall.

Jenn is irresistable

001. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? Lol, sure I would.

002. Do your jeans have rips, tears, and holes in them? some of them

003. What are you dreading right now? my doctor's appointment tomorrow

004. Do you celebrate 4/20?: ugh, no.

005. Favorite country singer? Um, none...except that "Before He Cheats" song by Carrie Underwood makes me smile

006. What face cleanser do you use?: Spectro gel...because it's amazing

007. When was your last doctors visit?: last week

008. Do you get the full 8 hours of sleep?: not lately

009. How long does it take you to get ready in the morning?: Between 30-45 minutes

010. "First Loves Are Never Over" is this true for you?: Umm, considering that I'm basically dropping everything for him because he needs me right now, I'd probably say yes.

011. Think of all your exes. Would you take any of them back?: um, one or 2

12. If anyone came over to your house on one of your "lazy days" would you go get ready real quick?: lol, everyday is my lazy day

013. Does your school have tornado drills: ugh, gross...I was born when a tornado hit...I hate them!

014. Have you ever been on your schools track team?: yep in elementary school

015. Do you own a pair of Converse?: goodness yes

016. Who did you cut and paste this survey from?: Jenn's lame email

017. Do you eat raw cookie dough?: lol, only with Jenn...along with icing

018. What color shirt are you wearing?: black and white

019. What did you do for your last birthday? lol, got PLASTERED and went to most of the bars in town with Carla, Mike, Morgan, and Craig...also did the mentos and diet coke trick outside of Zellers.

020. What time did you wake up today? 9ish

021. What were you doing 3 nights ago? I so don't even remember

022. Last time you saw your mom? a few minutes ago

023. Do you like having your hair pulled?: no, I hate that

024. Are you cocky?: sometimes

025. Shortest relationship?: a few weeks

026. Longest relationship?: a few years, on and off

27. How many boyfriends/girlfriends have told you they love you?: 3

028. Last gift you received?: a drink from James lol

030. Could you live without a computer?: I could live, just unhappily

031. Do you wear shoes in your house?: no

032. When you watch movies at home, do you turn the lights off?: sometimes

033. Ever been given an engagement ring?: no, but I've been given a promise ring...is it weird that I still wear it?

034. Ever dropped your cell phone?: yes, it makes me gasp and panic (but not at the disco)

035. What do you do when you're sad?: cry or take a shower

036. Who would you call first if you won the lottery? my mum or lifepartner...but probably Nathan because he would totally encourage me to buy a cute boy's love.

037. When was the last time you saw your best friend?: I have many best friends.

039. What is your favorite month?: June...not too hot.

040. What sleeps with you every night?: lol, no one.

041. How many times have you been pulled over? Never when I was driving...plenty when my dad was!

043.Who is the last person you texted? Jason this afternoon

044. What is your favorite dessert?: cheesecake

045. Is anyone on your bad side right now? yep!

046. What jewelry are you wearing?: my necklace, my rings, my lip stud, and my earrings

047. What's the first thing you do when you get online?: msn and facebook

048. When was the last time you worked out?: umm, I go for little walks and whatever my lovely knee allows

049. Do you watch Grey's Anatomy? HECK NO

050. How do most people spell your name?: Shana...ugh

051. Do you wear your boyfriend/girlfriends clothes?: I still have Justin's sweaters

052. Do you watch pro sports on TV?: football and hockey

053. What were you doing 30 minutes ago?: watching Scrubs

054. What was the first movie that gave you nightmares?: Who knows, I got nightmares so often when I was little

055. What is in your cd player?: TAI-Santi (<3), Social Code, and some random burnt CD

056. Name one person that made you smile today?: my mummy, cuz she came home!

057. What were you doing around 8 am this morning?: laying in bed...having an amazing dream

058. Do you know anyone who wasn't born in the United States?: ummm, a lot lol

059. Favorite name(s) for a girl: Allilyana or Sophia

060. Will you keep your last name when you get married?: No

061. Your favorite restaurant you don't get to eat at much? MR TOKI'S!!!!

062: Favorite boy names: Keegan

063. Do you buy your own school supplies? I had to when I was in school

064. Do you already have your school supplies?: I've got all my binders still...

065. How often do you wash clothes?: very frequently

066. How do you eat your steak?: umm, I eat my steak NEVER!

067. What is the farthest point North you've been? I'm bad with direction

068. How do you get to school?: don't go

069. If you heard your phone ringing right now, who do you expect it to be?: Justin or Jenn

070. What do you hear?: William Beckett's beautiful voice

071. Would you survive in prison?: Nooo way

072. Who was the last person you messaged on Facebook?: Auntie Mel

073. Do you get along with your co-workers?: I don't work...:(

074. When was the last time you said I love you, and meant it? bout 10 minutes ago

075. What song is playing right now?: Bulls in Brooklyn-TAI (really is anyone surprised?)

076. If all of your friends were going on a road trip, who would most likely over pack the most?: me lol

077. Do you know anyone with the same name as you?: not personally

078. When was the last time you went clubbing?: Looong time ago

079. What was the weather like today? it was sunny and overcast...it was indecisive

080. What is the next holiday you have off?: ummm, N/A?

081. When was the last movie you saw?: The Ew...TONIGHT!!!!!

082. What's for dinner?: I had Subway

083. Whats the last thing you purchased?: movie ticket

084. What's your favorite gardening tool?: the hoe! lol

085. Where is your cell phone? in front of me

086. Is your phone on vibrate or ring most?: ring for callers, vibe for texts

087. Describe your Underwear?: red boy shorts

088. How did your first pet die?: she paralyzed her back legs on the kitchen floor and we had to put her down

089. Did you have breakfast this morning?: Eggos

090. What's on your agenda for tonight?: watch Scrubs again (re run), lay in bed...maybe write

091. Who knows you the best?: Morgan, Melissa, my mum, Eric, Jenn

092. What brand is your digital camera?: lol, I don't have one

093. Do you smoke?: gross no

094. Are you ticklish?: goodness yes

095. Last person to text you?: Tim...right now

096. What song describes your love life at the moment?: lol, I'm going with Jenn and saying that new song that we don't want to admit we like because of how much we make fun of them (it's not Fall Out Boy, I swear)...stupid emoliner and bucket-y hats!

097. Do you own expensive perfume?: no

098. On average, how much do your jeans cost?: $50

099. Are you taking college classes?: umm, a computers one online

100. Would you rather sleep alone or with someone?: With someone...I sleep better when cuddled

I love emails!

So last night, I get this email:

"Subject: please don't scream when you read this.

ok, so i was at Chapters today and i was all looking at the magazines and junk...so on the cover of ap, there is your beloved the academy is with sexy william beckett. do you want me to pick it up and mail it to you or do you just wanna go buy it?
love, tim"

I LOVE TIM! I ALSO LOVE THE ACADEMY IS... (to Caitlyn's disgust)!!
Oh, what a happy day.

Always Love
Shayna

PS- Justin, I love you. Please get better. No matter what, you're still the s to my r <3

"YOU PLAYED DREAM DATE TOO?! I mean, I never played Dream Date"

Oh man, Scotty! You are SO my hero.
So I call up Scott-olicious today (because I miss his scary Janitor like qualities)and we were talking about all the games we used to play when we were younger. Well, it seems that he used to play DREAM DATE! Oh man Scotty...I love you.
So I'm pretty stoked for this weekend. Fun times are to be had.
I think I'm pretty content with life right now (aside from my knee). I'm just chilling, taking things easy. Me and dad have been spending a lot of time together (EI brings families together!), so that's been really cool. Lots of laying outside with Carla.
Went to Future Shop with Melissa the other day, bought "Garden State" (mmm, Zach), "Trainspotting" and the new Social Code disc and Hellogoodbye.
So far, Garden State still takes the cake.
Ok, so speaking of Zach Braff, I went and saw The Ex with Morgs the other day. OH MY GOODNESS! I think I was the only person in the theatre laughing throughout the entire movie. I couldn't stop. If you like really dark humor, this is a great choice.
The next few weeks are filled with good movies. Shrek 3, Pirates 3, Knocked Up...wow, I'm a geek.
And with that, I'm out.

Always Love,
Shayna

"I lost my van to him and lost Margo to gangsta rap...bad day"

Oh Janitor, you and I are one and the same. But not at all really.
Tim, Scotty, and I just watched Scrubs (via telephone and speaker phone) and essentially what was discussed was how I embody a weird combination of JD and Elliott.
Scotty is the Janitor. Seriously. If you meet this kid for 5 minutes, you realize how warped he is...I mean that in a loving way.
That is really all I wanted to say.
It's been a rough day.

A bad day + lyrics

Alright, so yes, today has been a terrible day. The boys left (:() which is terribly sad. I had to return my laptop because the webcam didn't work and it got really hot, really fast. Then when I tried to up my credit a bit more to get a mac...nope! So now I gotta wait until I get $500 more buck (which isn't THAT big of a deal). My knee is KILLING me. Everyone is telling me to get a second opinion because it's still swollen and hurting soooo badly. And to top it all off, I just wanted someone (I know you aren't dumb and you know who you are) to just hug me and tell me it's alright.
I just hate the way things have been this past month.
I want you back, you know I do. I just wish you were willing to try again. But these are things I'm too scared to say to you because I'm afraid of my answer.
Sigh...

And yes Tim, this is an emolicious blog. I miss our Entourage marathons and our talks about how I should go to LA and become some huge giant movie star. You can be my Spiderman without the tights. I love and miss you HARDCORE big brother <3.

And with that I leave you with some Faber Drive lyrics. Just got the CD. It's suprisingly awesome. A couple songs to look into "Sleepless Nights (Never Let Her Go), Sex and Love, and When I'm With You (just cause it's really cute!). I really dig it. Check it out.

Always love
Shayna


Second Chance- Faber Drive

I found my phone
I musta missed your message
You got it wrong
It wasn't what your friend said.
Tell by your tone
I've taken it too far again
(Just when I thought I'd gone and fixed it all again)
Your friends are telling you you gotta move on
(Just when I thought I'd gone and wrecked it all again)
You turned around so I could tell what took so long
(I don't know why I ever waited)
Just to say

Instead of holding you I was holding out
I should've let you in but I let you down
You were the first to give
I was the first to ask
Now I'm in second place to get a second chance.

I should've known
Took you and I for granted
Gotta let you know I was never underhanded
Tell by your tone
I've taken it too far again
(Just when I thought I'd gone and fixed it all again)
My friends are telling me they saw you with someone
(Just when I thought I'd gone and wrecked it all again)
You turned around so I could tell you what took so long
(I don't know why I ever waited)
Just to say


Instead of holding you I was holding out
I should've let you in but I let you down
You were the first to give
I was the first to ask
Now I'm in second place to get a second chance.
My last mistake was putting my friends first
I tried to laugh it off but it made things worse
You were the first to give
I was the first to ask
Now I'm in second place to get a second chance.

What you give is always what you get
There's so much I haven't given yet
If you could give another second chance.

And she runs...

Ok, so I've been too emo lately. No more! Being hurt sucks, but you get to the point where you just stop caring. You just stop being what you were.

Oh life lessons, you've scorned me once again!

However, I have realized that I've been hiding feeling towards someone I totally shouldn't have feelings for. Stupid moral dilemmas!

Trying to work out with only one good leg is painfully awkward, but I'm trying. I've still got a little chubbiness around my tummy that needs to be gone within this month so lots of one legged sit ups lol.

I need to learn how to read music and play the guitar. I was going through my journals and I have soooo many lyrics that will just continue to gather dust and be unacknowledged for years.

This is offically the most scatterbrained blog entry ever.

And with that...I'm out.
Always Love,
Shayna

Pretty Girl

Pretty Girl-Sugarcult

Pretty girl is suffering,
while he confesses everything
Pretty soon she'll figure out
what his intentions were about

And that's what you get for falling again
you can never get him outta your head
And that's what you get for falling again
you can never get him outta your head

Its the way that he makes you feel
its the way that he kisses you
its the way that he makes you fall in love

She's beautiful as usual
with bruises on her ego and
her killer instinct tells her to
be aware of evil men

And that's what you get for falling again
you can never get him outta your head
And that's what you get for falling again
you can never get him outta your head

Pretty girl
Pretty girl
Pretty girl is suffering
while he confesses everthing
pretty soon she'll figure out
you can never get him outta your head

its the way that he makes you cry
its the way that he's in your mind
its the way that he makes you fall in love

Its the way that he makes you feel
its the way that he kisses you
its the way that he makes you fall in love, love



Alright, so just to clear things up...song not really directed towards anyone, just how I'm feeling.
I'm pretty confused and kinda feel run down. I feel pretty worthless and kinda unloved. I feel very unwanted and used. I feel like I wish I was given another chance to be what you needed.
I'm just tired of not being given a voice in the matter, really. I'm...just a very sad, lonely, confused girl...waiting for you.
Waiting for what I think is right.

Halo

I never promised you a ray of light,
I never promised there'd be sunshine everyday,
I give you everything I have, the good, the bad.
Why do you put me on a pedestal?
I'm so up high that I can't see the ground below,
So help me down you've got it wrong, I don't belong there.

One thing is clear,
I wear a halo.
I wear a halo when you look at me,
But standing from here, you wouldn't say so
You wouldn't say so, if you were me
And I, I just wanna love you,
Oh oh I, I just wanna love you

I always said that I would make mistakes,
I'm only human, and that’s my saving grace.
I fall as hard as I try
So don't be blinded
See me as I really am, I have flaws and sometimes I even sin.
So pull me from that pedestal,
I don't belong there.

One thing is clear,
I wear a halo.
I wear a halo when you look at me,
But standing from here, you wouldn't say so
You wouldn't say so, if you were me
And I, I just wanna love you,
Oh oh I, I just wanna love you

Why you think that you know me
But In your eyes
I am something above you
It’s only in your mind
Only in your mind
I wear a
I wear a
I wear a Halo

One thing is clear,
I wear a halo,
I wear a halo when you look at me,
But standing from here, you wouldn't say so
you wouldn't say so, if you were me
And I, I just wanna love you,
Oh oh I, I just wanna love you

The Heart of Life

I hate to see you cry
Lying there in that position
There's things you need to hear
So turn off your tears
And listen

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No it won't all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good

You know, it's nothing new
Bad news never had good timing
But, then your circle of friends
Will defend the silver lining

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No it won't all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
Fear is a friend who's misunderstood
But I know the heart of life is good
I know it's good

Blind- Lifehouse

I was young but I wasn't naive
I watched, helpless, as he turned around to leave
And still I have the pain I have to carry
a past so deep that even you could not bury if you tried
oohoohooh

After all this time
I never thought we'd be here
never thought we'd be here
When my love for you was blind
but i couldn't make you see it
couldn't make you see it
That I loved you more than you'll ever know
A part of me died when I let you go

I would fall asleep
only in hopes of dreaming
that everything would be like it was before
But nights like this it seems are slowly fleeting
They disappear as reality is crashing to the floor
oohooh

After all this time
I never thought we'd be here
never thought we'd be here
When my love for you was blind
but i couldn't make you see it
couldn't make you see it
That I loved you more than you'll ever know
A part of me died when I let you go

After all this while
Would you ever wanna leave it
Maybe you could not believe it
That my love for you was blind
But I couldn't make you see it
couldn't make you see it
That I loved you more than you will ever know
A part of me died when I let you go
And I loved you more than you'll ever know
A part of me died when I let you

I love Louis

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

Well, I finally got an answer! NO SURGERY! Soooooo happy. However, I did traumatic soft tissue and nerve damage. So to control the muscle spasms, I'm on medication that is given to people with epilepsy. I'm just that awesome. But the guy said that there wasn't a lot he could do right now with how much I was hurting so I gotta go back in a month...then we'll see what to do next.

Today, is a special day. Basically because it's Morgan's (aka, heterosexual lifepartner) 20TH BIRTHDAY!!! HUZZAH! I feel like a tool though because I can't go out with her on her birthday. But I know she understands and we're going to get our matching tats and that will make life better. I love her till forever.

Not much else to say today...

Always Love <3
Shayna

Reflection...

I'm not sure how much longer I can put on the brave face. I wanted to break down this afternoon when I was laying down, but I fought through it. I'm hurting all the time, there's no denying it. Imagine taking a crowbar and slowly pulling your knee cap out and that's how I feel when I walk. I've finally given in to the crutches. I've said "I'll stay in the car" so many times that I've lost count, just to avoid the pain of getting in and out of it. I'm done with not being able to sleep...it's slowly killing me. I'm slowly killing me...

I'm just tired of hurting...I want this over.

Sleep Deprivation

So as most of you know, I haven't been sleeping too well. Anytime I move my left leg, I jerk awake. So I decided to be productive with my insomnia. I wrote.

I wrote letters to people. If I had anything important to say to you (good or bad), expect one.

I think I wrote around 10 or so.

Also, have you ever watched infomercials in the middle of the night?! They sell the most insane crap to sleep depraved people...maybe that's why I considered buying the little frying pan that you can seriously make ANYTHING on...I want it so that I can be the perfect housewife (insert sarcasm and laughter). Also, on A&E, they sell colon cleaner...no joke.

Now I'm going to take some more T3's and try to knock myself unconscious for awhile.

Always Love <3
Shayna

I'm holding on but letting go of you...

Have you ever looked at your life and reflected on the toxic things in it? Well, I've had a lot of time in the past few weeks to really think about this. I believe that everyone deserves second chances, but what happens when that second chance becomes a third, and a fourth and so on? Do you still continue to let them make mistakes or do you cut your loses and walk away?

And as I think that, I wonder how many people would have given up on me. I wonder how many times Morgan came close to giving up on our friendship because I was being too stubborn to listen to any common sense. I wonder how many times Janelle was close to walking away from me because I was getting wrapped up in the wrong things. I wonder how many times my mum and dad were ready to throw in the towel because of the hell I insisted on putting them through when I was younger.

So now I think, if the above people gave up on me, where would I be?

I'd be dead.

So as I debate to cut some things from my life, I keep these thoughts at the front of my mind. If I give up on Justin, how good of a father will he be to his son/daughter? If I give up on my relationship with my sister, how will that effect my family dynamic?

Everything I do, doesn't just effect me. I have been selfish enough to believe this for a really long time. Every decision I make has a trickle down effect.

As hard as it is sometimes to stick with people, I force myself to. I make myself available to those to need me. I make sure that I'll be there for my friends and family. I've been giving so much of myself for such a long time, I honestly don't know how to stop and take time to help myself.

I'm supposed to be resting and getting better right now, but all that is going through my mind is whether or not anyone needs me. I've put so much of myself out there, I won't let myself heal.

I've put so much of myself out there that I feel like some people just expect their problems to override my own. For the longest time I felt like I was drowning in everyone else's lives. I felt hopeless and used and empty. I feel like some people are pulling away from me now that I'm concintrating on myself and my own happiness. I feel like some people are feeling hurt and jealous that someone else is taking up my time.

For the aboved mentioned people (you know who you are), please don't feel that way. I'm just taking a little time to learn who I am and what I want in life. I will always be there for you when you need me, I just need to learn how to need myself. Know that no matter who enters my life, they will never take the place of anyone. I have a big enough heart to have room for EVERYONE (though, some may get a little more space than others...for obvious reasons).

Always Love <3
Shayna

In honor of Caitlyn <3

25 deep questions that will really tell you something about me.

1. What is more difficult for you, looking into someones eyes when you are telling them how you feel, or looking into someones eyes when they are telling you how they feel?
I think I can do both pretty easily. I'm just a really open and honest person and want to be true to myself and every other person I care about.

2. Think of the last time you were REALLY angry. WHY were you angry?
Probably at my mum...for kicking me out. I was crying I was so angry/sad/shocked.

3. You are on a flight from Honolulu to Chicago non-stop. There is a fire in the back of the plane. You have enough time to make ONE phone call. Who do you call?
Fire Fighting Superman...he can fly AND has a fire extinguisher!

4. You are at the doctor's office and he has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? What do you do with your remaining days? Would you be afraid?
I wouldn't tell anyone. I wouldn't want people acting weird around me and crying. I would want any ones last memory of me to be anything but happy.
My last days would be spent with the people I love, doing the things I love.
I'm not sure if I'd be afraid...I'd be afraid for everyone I was leaving behind. I would want them to continue living life and remember the good times.

5. You can have one of the following two things. Which do you choose? Why? Love or Trust:
Love because to me, if you have love, you automatically have trust.

6. You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late even once more, you are fired.
Save the dog, I can find another job. Plus I'll want to spend the next 5 days after taking care of the dog...screw my boss.

7. You are unfaithful to your spouse/significant other. Do you tell him/her? Why or Why not?
Wow, number one, would never happen. But if it were to happen (which it never would), I would tell them. I couldn't live with lying to them about such a situation.

8. Your best friend confesses that he/she has feelings for you more then just friendship. He/she is falling in love with you. What do you do/say?:
Been there, done that. I'd stay friends and wait until I decided how I really felt about them.

9. Think of the last person who you know that died. You have the chance to give them 1 hour of life back, but you have to give up one year of yours. Do you do it? Why or Why not?:
Well, I'd do it if he could come back healthy. If he was in the shape he was in when he died, there's no way I'd bring him back to that pain. But if he could come back healthy, I'd do it in a heartbeat for my grandma...I'd want her to say what she needed to say to my grandpa.

10. Are you the kind of friend that you would want to have as a friend?
Yes, I'm the type of person that will sacrifice anything for my friends and do everything in my power to help them out...it's nice to get that in return sometimes.

11. Does love = sex.:
No, love is something soooooo much deeper than sex. Sex should come after love. Sex is just the physical confirmation of love. Love is hard to explain but when you feel it, you know it's there and it affects you completely as a person.

13. When was the last time you told someone HONESTLY how you felt regardless of how difficult it was for you to say? Who was it? What did you have to tell the person?:
This afternoon
Eric
That my knee hurt bad and that I hadn't slept all that well...it wasn't that hard to tell him that though, lol.

14. What would be (or what was) harder for you to tell a friend, you love them or that you do not love them back?
I think that it's harder to tell a friend that you don't love them back but in a relationship, it's harder to tell the other person that you love them because you want those feelings to be reciprocated so badly and you fear that they don't love you back. It's a vicious cycle, really.

15. What do you think would be the hardest thing for you to give up? Why would it be hard to lose?
Water...because I'd die without it

16. Excluding romantic love, when was the last time you told someone you loved them? Who were they to you?
This morning
my mum, because I have a fear that if something happens to someone I love, the last thing I want them to hear come out of my mouth is "I love you".

18. Imagine. It is a dark night, you are alone, it is raining outside, you hear someone walking around outside your window. WHO do you wish was there with you?
Mike because he's good at getting in fights and winning...plus he'd probably be drunk so he would be even dumber and yell louder.

19. Would you give a homeless person CPR if they were dying? Why or Why not?
well...I'd have to know CPR first. But yes, because it's the right thing to do.

21. You are holding onto your grandmothers hand and the hand of a newborn that you do not know as they hang over the edge of a cliff. You have to let one go to save the other. Who do you let fall to their death?
Wow...who tried to throw the newborn off the cliff? Knowing my grandma, she'd tell me to let her go and save the baby and take care of it.

22. Are you old fashion?
Ummm, I'm not sure. I don't really think so. I mean I'm old fashioned in the family sense, but nothing else, really.

23. When was the last time you were nice to someone and did NOT expect anything in return for it?
Mostly everyday.

24. Which would you choose, true love with a guarantee of a broken heart, or never loved at all?
true love with a broken heart...it's better to have loved than to have never loved at all.

25. If you could do anything or wish anything, what would it be?
That everyone I know is happy and well taken care of...and that China stops being evil and let's the Tibetian people back into Tibet and even gives them back their voices and religion.