I'm holding on but letting go of you...

Have you ever looked at your life and reflected on the toxic things in it? Well, I've had a lot of time in the past few weeks to really think about this. I believe that everyone deserves second chances, but what happens when that second chance becomes a third, and a fourth and so on? Do you still continue to let them make mistakes or do you cut your loses and walk away?

And as I think that, I wonder how many people would have given up on me. I wonder how many times Morgan came close to giving up on our friendship because I was being too stubborn to listen to any common sense. I wonder how many times Janelle was close to walking away from me because I was getting wrapped up in the wrong things. I wonder how many times my mum and dad were ready to throw in the towel because of the hell I insisted on putting them through when I was younger.

So now I think, if the above people gave up on me, where would I be?

I'd be dead.

So as I debate to cut some things from my life, I keep these thoughts at the front of my mind. If I give up on Justin, how good of a father will he be to his son/daughter? If I give up on my relationship with my sister, how will that effect my family dynamic?

Everything I do, doesn't just effect me. I have been selfish enough to believe this for a really long time. Every decision I make has a trickle down effect.

As hard as it is sometimes to stick with people, I force myself to. I make myself available to those to need me. I make sure that I'll be there for my friends and family. I've been giving so much of myself for such a long time, I honestly don't know how to stop and take time to help myself.

I'm supposed to be resting and getting better right now, but all that is going through my mind is whether or not anyone needs me. I've put so much of myself out there, I won't let myself heal.

I've put so much of myself out there that I feel like some people just expect their problems to override my own. For the longest time I felt like I was drowning in everyone else's lives. I felt hopeless and used and empty. I feel like some people are pulling away from me now that I'm concintrating on myself and my own happiness. I feel like some people are feeling hurt and jealous that someone else is taking up my time.

For the aboved mentioned people (you know who you are), please don't feel that way. I'm just taking a little time to learn who I am and what I want in life. I will always be there for you when you need me, I just need to learn how to need myself. Know that no matter who enters my life, they will never take the place of anyone. I have a big enough heart to have room for EVERYONE (though, some may get a little more space than others...for obvious reasons).

Always Love <3
Shayna