I'm not sure how much longer I can put on the brave face. I wanted to break down this afternoon when I was laying down, but I fought through it. I'm hurting all the time, there's no denying it. Imagine taking a crowbar and slowly pulling your knee cap out and that's how I feel when I walk. I've finally given in to the crutches. I've said "I'll stay in the car" so many times that I've lost count, just to avoid the pain of getting in and out of it. I'm done with not being able to sleep...it's slowly killing me. I'm slowly killing me...
I'm just tired of hurting...I want this over.
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
Wednesday, February 7, 2007
Sleep Deprivation
So as most of you know, I haven't been sleeping too well. Anytime I move my left leg, I jerk awake. So I decided to be productive with my insomnia. I wrote.
I wrote letters to people. If I had anything important to say to you (good or bad), expect one.
I think I wrote around 10 or so.
Also, have you ever watched infomercials in the middle of the night?! They sell the most insane crap to sleep depraved people...maybe that's why I considered buying the little frying pan that you can seriously make ANYTHING on...I want it so that I can be the perfect housewife (insert sarcasm and laughter). Also, on A&E, they sell colon cleaner...no joke.
Now I'm going to take some more T3's and try to knock myself unconscious for awhile.
Always Love <3
Shayna
I wrote letters to people. If I had anything important to say to you (good or bad), expect one.
I think I wrote around 10 or so.
Also, have you ever watched infomercials in the middle of the night?! They sell the most insane crap to sleep depraved people...maybe that's why I considered buying the little frying pan that you can seriously make ANYTHING on...I want it so that I can be the perfect housewife (insert sarcasm and laughter). Also, on A&E, they sell colon cleaner...no joke.
Now I'm going to take some more T3's and try to knock myself unconscious for awhile.
Always Love <3
Shayna
Friday, February 2, 2007
I'm holding on but letting go of you...
Have you ever looked at your life and reflected on the toxic things in it? Well, I've had a lot of time in the past few weeks to really think about this. I believe that everyone deserves second chances, but what happens when that second chance becomes a third, and a fourth and so on? Do you still continue to let them make mistakes or do you cut your loses and walk away?
And as I think that, I wonder how many people would have given up on me. I wonder how many times Morgan came close to giving up on our friendship because I was being too stubborn to listen to any common sense. I wonder how many times Janelle was close to walking away from me because I was getting wrapped up in the wrong things. I wonder how many times my mum and dad were ready to throw in the towel because of the hell I insisted on putting them through when I was younger.
So now I think, if the above people gave up on me, where would I be?
I'd be dead.
So as I debate to cut some things from my life, I keep these thoughts at the front of my mind. If I give up on Justin, how good of a father will he be to his son/daughter? If I give up on my relationship with my sister, how will that effect my family dynamic?
Everything I do, doesn't just effect me. I have been selfish enough to believe this for a really long time. Every decision I make has a trickle down effect.
As hard as it is sometimes to stick with people, I force myself to. I make myself available to those to need me. I make sure that I'll be there for my friends and family. I've been giving so much of myself for such a long time, I honestly don't know how to stop and take time to help myself.
I'm supposed to be resting and getting better right now, but all that is going through my mind is whether or not anyone needs me. I've put so much of myself out there, I won't let myself heal.
I've put so much of myself out there that I feel like some people just expect their problems to override my own. For the longest time I felt like I was drowning in everyone else's lives. I felt hopeless and used and empty. I feel like some people are pulling away from me now that I'm concintrating on myself and my own happiness. I feel like some people are feeling hurt and jealous that someone else is taking up my time.
For the aboved mentioned people (you know who you are), please don't feel that way. I'm just taking a little time to learn who I am and what I want in life. I will always be there for you when you need me, I just need to learn how to need myself. Know that no matter who enters my life, they will never take the place of anyone. I have a big enough heart to have room for EVERYONE (though, some may get a little more space than others...for obvious reasons).
Always Love <3
Shayna
And as I think that, I wonder how many people would have given up on me. I wonder how many times Morgan came close to giving up on our friendship because I was being too stubborn to listen to any common sense. I wonder how many times Janelle was close to walking away from me because I was getting wrapped up in the wrong things. I wonder how many times my mum and dad were ready to throw in the towel because of the hell I insisted on putting them through when I was younger.
So now I think, if the above people gave up on me, where would I be?
I'd be dead.
So as I debate to cut some things from my life, I keep these thoughts at the front of my mind. If I give up on Justin, how good of a father will he be to his son/daughter? If I give up on my relationship with my sister, how will that effect my family dynamic?
Everything I do, doesn't just effect me. I have been selfish enough to believe this for a really long time. Every decision I make has a trickle down effect.
As hard as it is sometimes to stick with people, I force myself to. I make myself available to those to need me. I make sure that I'll be there for my friends and family. I've been giving so much of myself for such a long time, I honestly don't know how to stop and take time to help myself.
I'm supposed to be resting and getting better right now, but all that is going through my mind is whether or not anyone needs me. I've put so much of myself out there, I won't let myself heal.
I've put so much of myself out there that I feel like some people just expect their problems to override my own. For the longest time I felt like I was drowning in everyone else's lives. I felt hopeless and used and empty. I feel like some people are pulling away from me now that I'm concintrating on myself and my own happiness. I feel like some people are feeling hurt and jealous that someone else is taking up my time.
For the aboved mentioned people (you know who you are), please don't feel that way. I'm just taking a little time to learn who I am and what I want in life. I will always be there for you when you need me, I just need to learn how to need myself. Know that no matter who enters my life, they will never take the place of anyone. I have a big enough heart to have room for EVERYONE (though, some may get a little more space than others...for obvious reasons).
Always Love <3
Shayna
Thursday, February 1, 2007
In honor of Caitlyn <3
25 deep questions that will really tell you something about me.
1. What is more difficult for you, looking into someones eyes when you are telling them how you feel, or looking into someones eyes when they are telling you how they feel?
I think I can do both pretty easily. I'm just a really open and honest person and want to be true to myself and every other person I care about.
2. Think of the last time you were REALLY angry. WHY were you angry?
Probably at my mum...for kicking me out. I was crying I was so angry/sad/shocked.
3. You are on a flight from Honolulu to Chicago non-stop. There is a fire in the back of the plane. You have enough time to make ONE phone call. Who do you call?
Fire Fighting Superman...he can fly AND has a fire extinguisher!
4. You are at the doctor's office and he has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? What do you do with your remaining days? Would you be afraid?
I wouldn't tell anyone. I wouldn't want people acting weird around me and crying. I would want any ones last memory of me to be anything but happy.
My last days would be spent with the people I love, doing the things I love.
I'm not sure if I'd be afraid...I'd be afraid for everyone I was leaving behind. I would want them to continue living life and remember the good times.
5. You can have one of the following two things. Which do you choose? Why? Love or Trust:
Love because to me, if you have love, you automatically have trust.
6. You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late even once more, you are fired.
Save the dog, I can find another job. Plus I'll want to spend the next 5 days after taking care of the dog...screw my boss.
7. You are unfaithful to your spouse/significant other. Do you tell him/her? Why or Why not?
Wow, number one, would never happen. But if it were to happen (which it never would), I would tell them. I couldn't live with lying to them about such a situation.
8. Your best friend confesses that he/she has feelings for you more then just friendship. He/she is falling in love with you. What do you do/say?:
Been there, done that. I'd stay friends and wait until I decided how I really felt about them.
9. Think of the last person who you know that died. You have the chance to give them 1 hour of life back, but you have to give up one year of yours. Do you do it? Why or Why not?:
Well, I'd do it if he could come back healthy. If he was in the shape he was in when he died, there's no way I'd bring him back to that pain. But if he could come back healthy, I'd do it in a heartbeat for my grandma...I'd want her to say what she needed to say to my grandpa.
10. Are you the kind of friend that you would want to have as a friend?
Yes, I'm the type of person that will sacrifice anything for my friends and do everything in my power to help them out...it's nice to get that in return sometimes.
11. Does love = sex.:
No, love is something soooooo much deeper than sex. Sex should come after love. Sex is just the physical confirmation of love. Love is hard to explain but when you feel it, you know it's there and it affects you completely as a person.
13. When was the last time you told someone HONESTLY how you felt regardless of how difficult it was for you to say? Who was it? What did you have to tell the person?:
This afternoon
Eric
That my knee hurt bad and that I hadn't slept all that well...it wasn't that hard to tell him that though, lol.
14. What would be (or what was) harder for you to tell a friend, you love them or that you do not love them back?
I think that it's harder to tell a friend that you don't love them back but in a relationship, it's harder to tell the other person that you love them because you want those feelings to be reciprocated so badly and you fear that they don't love you back. It's a vicious cycle, really.
15. What do you think would be the hardest thing for you to give up? Why would it be hard to lose?
Water...because I'd die without it
16. Excluding romantic love, when was the last time you told someone you loved them? Who were they to you?
This morning
my mum, because I have a fear that if something happens to someone I love, the last thing I want them to hear come out of my mouth is "I love you".
18. Imagine. It is a dark night, you are alone, it is raining outside, you hear someone walking around outside your window. WHO do you wish was there with you?
Mike because he's good at getting in fights and winning...plus he'd probably be drunk so he would be even dumber and yell louder.
19. Would you give a homeless person CPR if they were dying? Why or Why not?
well...I'd have to know CPR first. But yes, because it's the right thing to do.
21. You are holding onto your grandmothers hand and the hand of a newborn that you do not know as they hang over the edge of a cliff. You have to let one go to save the other. Who do you let fall to their death?
Wow...who tried to throw the newborn off the cliff? Knowing my grandma, she'd tell me to let her go and save the baby and take care of it.
22. Are you old fashion?
Ummm, I'm not sure. I don't really think so. I mean I'm old fashioned in the family sense, but nothing else, really.
23. When was the last time you were nice to someone and did NOT expect anything in return for it?
Mostly everyday.
24. Which would you choose, true love with a guarantee of a broken heart, or never loved at all?
true love with a broken heart...it's better to have loved than to have never loved at all.
25. If you could do anything or wish anything, what would it be?
That everyone I know is happy and well taken care of...and that China stops being evil and let's the Tibetian people back into Tibet and even gives them back their voices and religion.
1. What is more difficult for you, looking into someones eyes when you are telling them how you feel, or looking into someones eyes when they are telling you how they feel?
I think I can do both pretty easily. I'm just a really open and honest person and want to be true to myself and every other person I care about.
2. Think of the last time you were REALLY angry. WHY were you angry?
Probably at my mum...for kicking me out. I was crying I was so angry/sad/shocked.
3. You are on a flight from Honolulu to Chicago non-stop. There is a fire in the back of the plane. You have enough time to make ONE phone call. Who do you call?
Fire Fighting Superman...he can fly AND has a fire extinguisher!
4. You are at the doctor's office and he has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? What do you do with your remaining days? Would you be afraid?
I wouldn't tell anyone. I wouldn't want people acting weird around me and crying. I would want any ones last memory of me to be anything but happy.
My last days would be spent with the people I love, doing the things I love.
I'm not sure if I'd be afraid...I'd be afraid for everyone I was leaving behind. I would want them to continue living life and remember the good times.
5. You can have one of the following two things. Which do you choose? Why? Love or Trust:
Love because to me, if you have love, you automatically have trust.
6. You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late even once more, you are fired.
Save the dog, I can find another job. Plus I'll want to spend the next 5 days after taking care of the dog...screw my boss.
7. You are unfaithful to your spouse/significant other. Do you tell him/her? Why or Why not?
Wow, number one, would never happen. But if it were to happen (which it never would), I would tell them. I couldn't live with lying to them about such a situation.
8. Your best friend confesses that he/she has feelings for you more then just friendship. He/she is falling in love with you. What do you do/say?:
Been there, done that. I'd stay friends and wait until I decided how I really felt about them.
9. Think of the last person who you know that died. You have the chance to give them 1 hour of life back, but you have to give up one year of yours. Do you do it? Why or Why not?:
Well, I'd do it if he could come back healthy. If he was in the shape he was in when he died, there's no way I'd bring him back to that pain. But if he could come back healthy, I'd do it in a heartbeat for my grandma...I'd want her to say what she needed to say to my grandpa.
10. Are you the kind of friend that you would want to have as a friend?
Yes, I'm the type of person that will sacrifice anything for my friends and do everything in my power to help them out...it's nice to get that in return sometimes.
11. Does love = sex.:
No, love is something soooooo much deeper than sex. Sex should come after love. Sex is just the physical confirmation of love. Love is hard to explain but when you feel it, you know it's there and it affects you completely as a person.
13. When was the last time you told someone HONESTLY how you felt regardless of how difficult it was for you to say? Who was it? What did you have to tell the person?:
This afternoon
Eric
That my knee hurt bad and that I hadn't slept all that well...it wasn't that hard to tell him that though, lol.
14. What would be (or what was) harder for you to tell a friend, you love them or that you do not love them back?
I think that it's harder to tell a friend that you don't love them back but in a relationship, it's harder to tell the other person that you love them because you want those feelings to be reciprocated so badly and you fear that they don't love you back. It's a vicious cycle, really.
15. What do you think would be the hardest thing for you to give up? Why would it be hard to lose?
Water...because I'd die without it
16. Excluding romantic love, when was the last time you told someone you loved them? Who were they to you?
This morning
my mum, because I have a fear that if something happens to someone I love, the last thing I want them to hear come out of my mouth is "I love you".
18. Imagine. It is a dark night, you are alone, it is raining outside, you hear someone walking around outside your window. WHO do you wish was there with you?
Mike because he's good at getting in fights and winning...plus he'd probably be drunk so he would be even dumber and yell louder.
19. Would you give a homeless person CPR if they were dying? Why or Why not?
well...I'd have to know CPR first. But yes, because it's the right thing to do.
21. You are holding onto your grandmothers hand and the hand of a newborn that you do not know as they hang over the edge of a cliff. You have to let one go to save the other. Who do you let fall to their death?
Wow...who tried to throw the newborn off the cliff? Knowing my grandma, she'd tell me to let her go and save the baby and take care of it.
22. Are you old fashion?
Ummm, I'm not sure. I don't really think so. I mean I'm old fashioned in the family sense, but nothing else, really.
23. When was the last time you were nice to someone and did NOT expect anything in return for it?
Mostly everyday.
24. Which would you choose, true love with a guarantee of a broken heart, or never loved at all?
true love with a broken heart...it's better to have loved than to have never loved at all.
25. If you could do anything or wish anything, what would it be?
That everyone I know is happy and well taken care of...and that China stops being evil and let's the Tibetian people back into Tibet and even gives them back their voices and religion.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
